The Curious Feeling of Falling

For the last 6 months of my life, I have given more of myself than I have in quite some time, if I've ever really given that much at all. And now I sit here feeling somewhat how Lemony Snickett once explained as the curious feeling of falling. That is to say, you know how when you're walking up a flight of stairs in the dark, and your foot goes out in front of you searching for that last step but it's not there? Your foot goes down through the darkness and your stomach goes with it. That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right this minute, and how I've felt since last night. I'm wondering how I slept at all with this tremendous anger and hurt weighing on my mind. But somehow, I managed to drift off into an uneasy slumber. I woke up feeling ok, ready to take on the world for the most part, but thoughts and feelings are seeping in through the cracks and I cannot ignore them. It's like trying to ignore who I am, and this situation, this tumultuous 3-ring circus, IS who I am. It's who I have become, and I'm guessing that's why it needs to end. No matter how far down that step is, no matter how dark the descent, I haven't a choice but to wait until my foot hits solid ground and learn how to deal with the queasiness in my stomach.
It's amazing to me, the pull others can have over an individual. What's even more amazing is how that pull can be governed by one that the individual doesn't even trust. I guess it comes down to the craft of manipulation, which is unfortunate for the other party because it seems as though they don't even recognize when it's happening to them. I could reach out, I could try to paint the picture of lies and deceit, but there comes a time when you have to decide if it's worth it. For me it would be worth it, I've done it for the last 6 months. I've given all of myself to this amazing friendship, which again is my fault, but that's just me. I give it all or nothing and while I believe it is a good way to live, it does make the fall of things that much more painful. And then you end up in the situation I'm in, kicking yourself for all that you've given, all that you've done and all that you've sacrificed in the name of pure, unadulterated love and genuine care and concern.
So the question remains... would I be able to sit and talk this out? Probably. Would I be able to sit and talk this out without getting angry, without pointing fingers, without speaking harshly of the other party? No, no I couldn't. And I don't want to BE that person. I don't want to sit and talk this out with sympathetic eyes casting pity on me. I've lost so much in the course of these travels and the one thing I will not surrender, is what's left of my dignity and pride. I don't have much leverage, and even if I did, I don't want to be the person who relies on it. I've stood against those who have used their leverage on this particular individual and it would seem overly hypocritical for me to do the same. So I guess it comes down to having the strength to know when I have been defeated, although accepting defeat from one much younger, much less experienced and much more malicious than I could ever dream to be, is a hard pill to swallow. Looking back now, it all makes sense. The games that were played by the 3rd party, the overly pleasant voice and eager ears, all makes sense. I was hosed basically. And it was all used against me. But who can I blame other than myself for finding trust in that person? I had sneaking suspicions, but I ignored them like an idiot, wanting only to make a new friend who could possibly benefit me in understanding the main character a little better, to find new ways to be a better friend to them. Instead, my words and my intentions were contorted, misconstrued and rearranged, all in the name of revenge.
Maybe I had this coming, as I haven't always been the most perfect person and I have not always played fairly with other situations and people in my life. As they say, Karma is a bitch, but wow. Just wow. I honestly thought doing a good deed, or many in this case, balanced those not so wonderful things I had done in my past. Maybe I'm not as enlightened as I thought.
What I do know, is that I am not sure how long I can handle this curious feeling of falling.